I’ve asked this question of diviners numerous times now, and you would be the very first to suggest the relationship is still there in any form. I’ve heard it was always a temporary arrangement that came to its natural end and it’s time to find something new, or that it never existed in the first place, or that I was completely mistaken about who I was dealing with. The previous diviner told me the connection had shattered but could be, not repaired but restarted - of course she also told me I never knew who I was dealing with and that was part of the problem. Gave me a specific name too, but I don’t know what to think about it, it doesn’t feel like it fits. All this to say, if I seem cautious in fully accepting the reading, that’s why; I’ve been told too many different things, none of it entirely matching what memories I have. I want you to be the last I ask this of, truly.
But I promised some background, I’ll try to keep it short. I turned to religion at a certain point in my life after never caring about it before, I picked the god I was most attracted to from the pantheon I was most familiar with and started trying to form a connection. In a very short amount of time, I had one of those very intense experiences where he spoke directly to me over the course of a weekend.
He wanted me to do something, that could improve my life but was also a huge risk I’d be jumping blindly into while just trusting him that he would make it work out. I agreed to his proposal, took two weeks for a series of improbable events to create the opportunity and I jumped as I said I would. It did work out, shouldn’t have but did.
I was willing to treat that as a calling, let that connection be the center of my life. Figured gods don’t rearrange people’s lives for them for no reason, and I’m not used to getting nice things, spiritual callings have been built on less. But what I had to deal with was the NeoPagan community. The advice I found there was at best useless, but I didn’t realize it right away, made a series of not great choices that took years to fully extricate myself from. After much headache, those people were behind me, I was moving out of a city I hated, I’d found JMG online, I was ready to make a fresh start of this, do it right this time. But it fell apart instead.
I went to a local ritual for a holiday very early after moving here. Said deity invited himself to the ritual, he wasn’t on the guest list but some time in the 24 hours between my asking and arrival one of the organizers had a sudden inspiration and that changed. They called him, and it felt like I was hit in the chest. I have no idea what happened, it was near physical and overwhelming, but not bad. I left thinking it a good sign but later I could trace it as the moment communication shut down.
I used to have, like a sense of him in the back of my mind, like a line of communication even if nothing so dramatic came out of it again. It’s gone now. I have no idea if that was real, or just a product of my imagination, being warned of some early mistake made or self deception had me picking apart every memory so many times they no longer contain meaning. As bad as things were back then, I was doing better than I am now when all headache is coming from just one place. I couldn’t grow it the way I’d wanted to then, but it provided some benefit notable in its current absence.
I don’t know if this information helps with anything. Hope so, I am kind of tired of not knowing what happened, why or what I’m supposed to be doing about it.
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Date: 2022-12-23 01:27 am (UTC)But I promised some background, I’ll try to keep it short. I turned to religion at a certain point in my life after never caring about it before, I picked the god I was most attracted to from the pantheon I was most familiar with and started trying to form a connection. In a very short amount of time, I had one of those very intense experiences where he spoke directly to me over the course of a weekend.
He wanted me to do something, that could improve my life but was also a huge risk I’d be jumping blindly into while just trusting him that he would make it work out. I agreed to his proposal, took two weeks for a series of improbable events to create the opportunity and I jumped as I said I would. It did work out, shouldn’t have but did.
I was willing to treat that as a calling, let that connection be the center of my life. Figured gods don’t rearrange people’s lives for them for no reason, and I’m not used to getting nice things, spiritual callings have been built on less. But what I had to deal with was the NeoPagan community. The advice I found there was at best useless, but I didn’t realize it right away, made a series of not great choices that took years to fully extricate myself from. After much headache, those people were behind me, I was moving out of a city I hated, I’d found JMG online, I was ready to make a fresh start of this, do it right this time. But it fell apart instead.
I went to a local ritual for a holiday very early after moving here. Said deity invited himself to the ritual, he wasn’t on the guest list but some time in the 24 hours between my asking and arrival one of the organizers had a sudden inspiration and that changed. They called him, and it felt like I was hit in the chest. I have no idea what happened, it was near physical and overwhelming, but not bad. I left thinking it a good sign but later I could trace it as the moment communication shut down.
I used to have, like a sense of him in the back of my mind, like a line of communication even if nothing so dramatic came out of it again. It’s gone now. I have no idea if that was real, or just a product of my imagination, being warned of some early mistake made or self deception had me picking apart every memory so many times they no longer contain meaning. As bad as things were back then, I was doing better than I am now when all headache is coming from just one place. I couldn’t grow it the way I’d wanted to then, but it provided some benefit notable in its current absence.
I don’t know if this information helps with anything. Hope so, I am kind of tired of not knowing what happened, why or what I’m supposed to be doing about it.