I'll answer your questions first. I thought I knew which deity it was, I had always called a particular name. But some people did suggest that I actually never knew. And that was a possibility I considered myself before they brought it up, there are a few things that would make a different kind of sense if that were the case, but probably doesn't require it. So the answer is yes, and no. I've been avoiding the name mostly because I didn't think mentioning it would make any difference, so pursue anonymity. (though it just occurred to me I quickly referenced a second one, if that's what you meant then yes)
The second, I bet you're anticipating my answer here. What emotional life? Oh, you mean that old corpse under the floorboards, is that what its name was? As you have deduced, I live in my head and emotion is my weakest sense, made weaker by a childhood that required further detachment. Between my inherent nature and psychological trauma, I would have no idea how to answer, the concept is so alien. Also, if that's supposed to represent who the deity is in anyway it's either a misfire or further proof of a misunderstanding on my part. Or it's confirming what I said above about maybe being hopelessly inadequate for the job.
I can sense the journaling suggestion coming again. I have been doing that in some form or another for a very long time, and contemplating my life circumstances and internal reactions is a full time job. I'm badly damaged this life, if I didn't learn how it works I wouldn't function at all. I won't pretend perfect insight, but I'm much less ignorant than you may assume me to be. I know what fears and shame and whatnot this is all stepping into, it's old stuff, stuff that doesn't go away because it can't be refuted. If I seem as though trying not to accept the loss of this relationship and failure of everything I was trying, well it's because I know what's on the other side of that door and I don't want to go through that again if I don't have to. It would put me at about the limit of what I can tolerate in this life and change the way I see religion altogether. It would be nice to have a chance to fix things for once as opposed to ruin being inevitable, my error made can be right, some action of mine that can have a positive effect, I could do more than just close the door and walk away.
I'm confused that you say I'm still processing the first experience. That was old and settled. This is a second experience, that I did not anticipate on account of assumptions made about the first.
The spiritual became the core of everything automatically after that experience, I did think for a long time it could work, and much to my annoyance I was starting to find ways that it actually could before this happened (this is why I don't think that he is not suppressing it, I was not in a bad place when this happened, I had a decent plan moving forward, why would I do that to myself now as opposed to earlier? It doesn't make sense to me). It was motivation that I held onto and kept me going when I otherwise would've given up for half my life. I don't have a nonspiritual life (I do not know what I said that indicates many blessings, much less anything of equal weight). Recluse, you know. That's usually the sort of life well suited to focusing on spiritual matters because all else is gone. I have no idea what else someone would focus on; a family member in a similar situation watches 80s sitcoms and reads trashy romance novels, I suppose I could do that though I'd rather not. Hell, if I had something else to fall back on, I probably would've washed my hands of this mess long ago. I'd say that a change of that magnitude isn't going to happen, but I don't even think it is meant to, I think this is where I'm supposed to be for whatever reason that is. The spiritual life worked to some extent and nothing else ever did; the period of time early after that first experience when I tried not being a recluse was nothing but a disaster, returning to the hermitage and all that enables this to continue comes together with a surprising ease that suggests moving with the universe rather than against it. I don't understand it, but it is. Maybe the universe wants me dedicating to 80s sitcoms and trashy romance, or retro games and horror movies.
The relationship was the only source of long term motivation I had; short term sure (projects that take my attention away from this for a while - yes, I've done that, too, two different times) but not the sort that is required to make any real progress. I'd have been perfectly happy to continue picking at my damaged mental state alongside and as a part of working on that goal; I would've been happy picking up other skills alongside and as a part of working on that goal. All of that was more likely to happen with the connection as it was, and less likely to happen now. Another reason this doesn't make sense to me, even as I still think the problem is on his end rather than mine; if this was what he wanted to happen, this may have been the worst way to go about it, the kind I don't think a benevolent god would make if it wants to help. Journaling! I can hear in the distance :). This I'm quite familiar with, enough to manipulate it for short term goals, but if there is any way move it out of the neighborhood I've not found it. It rests atop a solid foundation and keeps finding reinforcements, its opposition lives in a little hut made of toothpicks and tissue paper.
As things stand, that scenario looks more like giving up. The goal you held onto and tried best you could with what you had to move toward for more than half your life will never happen, settle for something else instead. There may be plenty I could do, alongside and as a part of the original goal; but in its place? Long term? I really don't think there is anything that can serve as a replacement. I could see me finding something to do very short term, but long term petering out. Abandonment is more likely than a peaceful unfolding. Why was I not allowed to at least try once I found better information than I'd gotten before? Why was I cut off the second I had something that might actually work? Why would I think any other effort in this direction will end any other way? No, I'm not asking you this, I don't expect you to answer, and I know what my answers would be.
Of course at the end, you say go and get that relationship back. Keep poking at the void, keep my thumb on the metaphysical doorbell sooner or later he has to answer if just to shut me up (or try navigating the problems of the second one). That would be my choice, provided it is up to me (when there is someone else involved, it never is), that would go a long way toward improving my mental state, giving me a motive to keep going and a sense this work will be worth something someday. I'm glad you think the odds are good, I wish there was something I could point to that agreed with that.
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Date: 2022-12-29 12:16 am (UTC)The second, I bet you're anticipating my answer here. What emotional life? Oh, you mean that old corpse under the floorboards, is that what its name was? As you have deduced, I live in my head and emotion is my weakest sense, made weaker by a childhood that required further detachment. Between my inherent nature and psychological trauma, I would have no idea how to answer, the concept is so alien. Also, if that's supposed to represent who the deity is in anyway it's either a misfire or further proof of a misunderstanding on my part. Or it's confirming what I said above about maybe being hopelessly inadequate for the job.
I can sense the journaling suggestion coming again. I have been doing that in some form or another for a very long time, and contemplating my life circumstances and internal reactions is a full time job. I'm badly damaged this life, if I didn't learn how it works I wouldn't function at all. I won't pretend perfect insight, but I'm much less ignorant than you may assume me to be. I know what fears and shame and whatnot this is all stepping into, it's old stuff, stuff that doesn't go away because it can't be refuted. If I seem as though trying not to accept the loss of this relationship and failure of everything I was trying, well it's because I know what's on the other side of that door and I don't want to go through that again if I don't have to. It would put me at about the limit of what I can tolerate in this life and change the way I see religion altogether. It would be nice to have a chance to fix things for once as opposed to ruin being inevitable, my error made can be right, some action of mine that can have a positive effect, I could do more than just close the door and walk away.
I'm confused that you say I'm still processing the first experience. That was old and settled. This is a second experience, that I did not anticipate on account of assumptions made about the first.
The spiritual became the core of everything automatically after that experience, I did think for a long time it could work, and much to my annoyance I was starting to find ways that it actually could before this happened (this is why I don't think that he is not suppressing it, I was not in a bad place when this happened, I had a decent plan moving forward, why would I do that to myself now as opposed to earlier? It doesn't make sense to me). It was motivation that I held onto and kept me going when I otherwise would've given up for half my life. I don't have a nonspiritual life (I do not know what I said that indicates many blessings, much less anything of equal weight). Recluse, you know. That's usually the sort of life well suited to focusing on spiritual matters because all else is gone. I have no idea what else someone would focus on; a family member in a similar situation watches 80s sitcoms and reads trashy romance novels, I suppose I could do that though I'd rather not. Hell, if I had something else to fall back on, I probably would've washed my hands of this mess long ago. I'd say that a change of that magnitude isn't going to happen, but I don't even think it is meant to, I think this is where I'm supposed to be for whatever reason that is. The spiritual life worked to some extent and nothing else ever did; the period of time early after that first experience when I tried not being a recluse was nothing but a disaster, returning to the hermitage and all that enables this to continue comes together with a surprising ease that suggests moving with the universe rather than against it. I don't understand it, but it is. Maybe the universe wants me dedicating to 80s sitcoms and trashy romance, or retro games and horror movies.
The relationship was the only source of long term motivation I had; short term sure (projects that take my attention away from this for a while - yes, I've done that, too, two different times) but not the sort that is required to make any real progress. I'd have been perfectly happy to continue picking at my damaged mental state alongside and as a part of working on that goal; I would've been happy picking up other skills alongside and as a part of working on that goal. All of that was more likely to happen with the connection as it was, and less likely to happen now. Another reason this doesn't make sense to me, even as I still think the problem is on his end rather than mine; if this was what he wanted to happen, this may have been the worst way to go about it, the kind I don't think a benevolent god would make if it wants to help. Journaling! I can hear in the distance :). This I'm quite familiar with, enough to manipulate it for short term goals, but if there is any way move it out of the neighborhood I've not found it. It rests atop a solid foundation and keeps finding reinforcements, its opposition lives in a little hut made of toothpicks and tissue paper.
As things stand, that scenario looks more like giving up. The goal you held onto and tried best you could with what you had to move toward for more than half your life will never happen, settle for something else instead. There may be plenty I could do, alongside and as a part of the original goal; but in its place? Long term? I really don't think there is anything that can serve as a replacement. I could see me finding something to do very short term, but long term petering out. Abandonment is more likely than a peaceful unfolding. Why was I not allowed to at least try once I found better information than I'd gotten before? Why was I cut off the second I had something that might actually work? Why would I think any other effort in this direction will end any other way? No, I'm not asking you this, I don't expect you to answer, and I know what my answers would be.
Of course at the end, you say go and get that relationship back. Keep poking at the void, keep my thumb on the metaphysical doorbell sooner or later he has to answer if just to shut me up (or try navigating the problems of the second one). That would be my choice, provided it is up to me (when there is someone else involved, it never is), that would go a long way toward improving my mental state, giving me a motive to keep going and a sense this work will be worth something someday. I'm glad you think the odds are good, I wish there was something I could point to that agreed with that.