1. This makes the reading make more sense? How so?
2. I continue divining on it because I've never gotten an answer. The others references, what they describe is entirely at odds with everything I remember. I know it's possible to deeply delude yourself about these things, I had a front row seat to that with the NeoPagans, but I would've had to get everything so massively wrong for such a long time for that to be the case. Maybe if all the diviners were in accord I'd had to believe it, but they're not. I can't divine for myself anymore, I've never gotten anything but nonsense or positive outcomes on doing something that turns out to be a very bad idea. I'm too close to this, or not connecting to anything outside of myself.
3. I suppose it's possible they were the other place. Usually readings like this pick up immediate surroundings, though, and these people are many years in the past now. But I am a recluse, so I guess it's got to put something in there, right?
4. The relationship was rarely loud, aside from a couple big moments. I don't know if I'm getting that across when I mention the lost mental connection, but I don't really have good words for this myself. It wasn't even something I ever noticed until I noticed it was gone. Just a background awareness of an open connection replaced by an empty void where it used to be. I remember someone I knew then saying that connection was something I could draw energy or strength from; she may have gotten that one right if absolutely nothing else, as that's another area of life that noticeably changed when this started.
5. Combining with your question above, of course I kept a shrine once (word choice reflects my initial learning, altars are working shrines are devotional), I kept one for a long time. It was dismantled a while back. Not when this began, years in, during the times when I thought mistaken identity was the problem. My partner suggested it, as a way to create a clean slate and maybe help my thoughts focus in the right direction. It didn't help, the table just sits collecting dust in the corner now. Its continued presence in the house through the beginning made no difference in how this went, so I don't think that's the problem. I threw nothing out, just tucked it away in boxes, I would put it back up if I had good reason to think he was still around or that it would make a difference; the way things stand right now, I don't think it would be a good idea, for me.
6. Some of this represents things I have been trying. The magical practice was initially supposed to finally help deepen this relationship and then I hoped it might break through whatever the problem is; it has not. With the added difficulty of having no idea where to point my devotion to. I've called many names, many names and it's been terrible because that's the opposite of how I operate, I like to focus all energy on a very few things not spread it far and wide. I'm not attracted to anything else so it's been more or less random, and none of it has stuck, it's not amounted to anything.
(Okay, for the sake of complete honesty there has been something in the last year, it's very weak but it produced real world omens which is more than anything else did. But it's very out of left field, and I'm not sure if it's a good idea to pursue for a number of reasons)
7. You know, I did spend time thinking about what it was I wanted after our last exchange. I've read that book quoted from, and I don't think I'm quite on either path. I'm a polytheist rather than a Christian, I wasn't looking to the creator of the universe (a figure that holds no real appeal) but a very particular deity. Similarities to that I'm sure, but also differences and I'm convinced it's a legitimate path that I hope will be explored and written on more in full if polytheism continues. I have no illusions about making much Mystery progress in this lifetime, prior to finding this community it wasn't really on my radar. The people I was attracted to initially were people with a very intense devotion to a single god or small group of them; no, those people in general didn't turn out so hot but that's beside the interest on my part, it can certainly be done right even if they didn't do it. It's something that keeps me on the margins on JMG's community as it's not well represented there. At the same time though, when he does talk about the mystic path, I wonder if it's not something I am hopelessly inadequate for in this incarnation in spite of an attraction to it.
I want that relationship back, it meant too much to me and I don't think I can bear losing it after everything. Barring that, I suppose I wanted some similar big event with a different deity that might restart things, not that I ever realized that while I was doing it. And yes, I know the odds of that ever happening again are very much against me, but I also understand where it comes from in me. And also, while I can't know how I would react unless it actually happened, thinking it over the last month, I'm not sure it would make any real difference if the first one was gone. I have stopped pursing that angle at least.
no subject
2. I continue divining on it because I've never gotten an answer. The others references, what they describe is entirely at odds with everything I remember. I know it's possible to deeply delude yourself about these things, I had a front row seat to that with the NeoPagans, but I would've had to get everything so massively wrong for such a long time for that to be the case. Maybe if all the diviners were in accord I'd had to believe it, but they're not. I can't divine for myself anymore, I've never gotten anything but nonsense or positive outcomes on doing something that turns out to be a very bad idea. I'm too close to this, or not connecting to anything outside of myself.
3. I suppose it's possible they were the other place. Usually readings like this pick up immediate surroundings, though, and these people are many years in the past now. But I am a recluse, so I guess it's got to put something in there, right?
4. The relationship was rarely loud, aside from a couple big moments. I don't know if I'm getting that across when I mention the lost mental connection, but I don't really have good words for this myself. It wasn't even something I ever noticed until I noticed it was gone. Just a background awareness of an open connection replaced by an empty void where it used to be. I remember someone I knew then saying that connection was something I could draw energy or strength from; she may have gotten that one right if absolutely nothing else, as that's another area of life that noticeably changed when this started.
5. Combining with your question above, of course I kept a shrine once (word choice reflects my initial learning, altars are working shrines are devotional), I kept one for a long time. It was dismantled a while back. Not when this began, years in, during the times when I thought mistaken identity was the problem. My partner suggested it, as a way to create a clean slate and maybe help my thoughts focus in the right direction. It didn't help, the table just sits collecting dust in the corner now. Its continued presence in the house through the beginning made no difference in how this went, so I don't think that's the problem. I threw nothing out, just tucked it away in boxes, I would put it back up if I had good reason to think he was still around or that it would make a difference; the way things stand right now, I don't think it would be a good idea, for me.
6. Some of this represents things I have been trying. The magical practice was initially supposed to finally help deepen this relationship and then I hoped it might break through whatever the problem is; it has not. With the added difficulty of having no idea where to point my devotion to. I've called many names, many names and it's been terrible because that's the opposite of how I operate, I like to focus all energy on a very few things not spread it far and wide. I'm not attracted to anything else so it's been more or less random, and none of it has stuck, it's not amounted to anything.
(Okay, for the sake of complete honesty there has been something in the last year, it's very weak but it produced real world omens which is more than anything else did. But it's very out of left field, and I'm not sure if it's a good idea to pursue for a number of reasons)
7. You know, I did spend time thinking about what it was I wanted after our last exchange. I've read that book quoted from, and I don't think I'm quite on either path. I'm a polytheist rather than a Christian, I wasn't looking to the creator of the universe (a figure that holds no real appeal) but a very particular deity. Similarities to that I'm sure, but also differences and I'm convinced it's a legitimate path that I hope will be explored and written on more in full if polytheism continues. I have no illusions about making much Mystery progress in this lifetime, prior to finding this community it wasn't really on my radar. The people I was attracted to initially were people with a very intense devotion to a single god or small group of them; no, those people in general didn't turn out so hot but that's beside the interest on my part, it can certainly be done right even if they didn't do it. It's something that keeps me on the margins on JMG's community as it's not well represented there. At the same time though, when he does talk about the mystic path, I wonder if it's not something I am hopelessly inadequate for in this incarnation in spite of an attraction to it.
I want that relationship back, it meant too much to me and I don't think I can bear losing it after everything. Barring that, I suppose I wanted some similar big event with a different deity that might restart things, not that I ever realized that while I was doing it. And yes, I know the odds of that ever happening again are very much against me, but I also understand where it comes from in me. And also, while I can't know how I would react unless it actually happened, thinking it over the last month, I'm not sure it would make any real difference if the first one was gone. I have stopped pursing that angle at least.